Bad News

So the reason I think I cant sleep is because I just learned today that the one person I cherish the most in this world has been diagnosed with cancer.  My grandmother, an always kinda chubby, always vivacious, light spirited, all around wonderful, and upbeat person; has been confined to a hospital for months now dropped to a meager 130 pounds and been diagnosed with something they call multiple myeloma.

This woman was my rock.  Even though I live in Florida and she lives in Quebec, she has been my guiding light since birth.  There is a bond between us that only we can understand, she is my sacred heart, my kindred spirit, my guardian angel put down on Earth to guide me.  She's been my biggest fan even when i act like a total idiot.  She's everything a grandmother should be and more. 

And now I'm faced with the thought of losing her, when for some reason I always imagined her front row center at my college graduation, my wedding, my children's baptism's and all that other stuff.  Now they us she'll be gone in about 30 months.  When my mom gave me the news.... I cannot convey how hurt I was.

I'm not good with feelings, and my attachments with people are usually not tight at all, but my grandmother is the exception to all of that.  She makes me real, she makes me human, she's the glue that's held my heart together through 19 years of bullshit.  What am I gonna with myself when that glue is gone from my life? 

And I really don't mean to sound selfish in any way because the LAAST thing i want is for her to suffer in any way shape or form.  But, I am 19 years old, I still need her for so much, there's so much i haven't asked her so much I haven't told her.  I haven't made her proud enough of me yet.  I haven't told her how much I love her NEARLY enough times. 

I'm just lost.  I can't even look at my mother without wanting to cry.  I feel like I'm dying inside.  I would rather take a shot to the body then to have to get that news again.  I thought I knew heartbreak before this... I was so wrong....